Introduction

> Contempt in relationships is like sulfuric acid for love. It erodes the connection faster than anything else. It's all about looking down on your partner, making them feel small and worthless through actions like name-calling and mockery.

> Contempt is a powerful predictor of relationship breakdown. Even subtle behaviors like eye-rolling can be detrimental. It's crucial to recognize and address contempt to nurture a healthy and strong connection with your partner.

Starting a relationship

> Romantic love can feel like “being high on heroin” in the beginning, filled with novelty and chemicals, but the truth is, those intense feelings are bound to fade as our bodies adjust. It’s crucial to approach long-term relationships with a foundation built on deeper values and mutual support, rather than just fleeting feelings of passion.

> I’ve learned that the stability of an enduring partnership often comes from shared experiences and resilience through life’s challenges, not just those initial butterflies. It's not just “the drugs” that keep the flame alive; it’s the meaningful connection, understanding, and commitment we cultivate over time.

Couples therapy

> The Gottman Method is a powerful, evidence-based approach to couples therapy developed by John and Julie Gottman after decades of research. It's essentially a skills-based methodology that provides couples with practical tools to maintain passion, intimacy, and growing love, offering a kind of blueprint that many of us were never taught.

> One of the key principles of a successful relationship, according to the Gottman Method, is maintaining a “5 to 1” ratio of positive to negative interactions. Positive interactions don’t have to be grand gestures; they are often small acts of attention and connection, like acknowledging a partner's bids for affection or simply performing considerate acts, which significantly contribute to relationship satisfaction.

> Embracing vulnerability is crucial in building meaningful connections in relationships. As a therapist, I’ve learned how showing caring and genuine emotions can strengthen bonds. Different couples might require different ways to repair and understand each other after conflicts, but what’s essential is finding and practicing the form of communication and repair that works for both partners, recognizing that everyone has unique needs and styles.

Why relationships fail

> One of the key ways relationships fail is through the four horsemen identified by the Gottman's - criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Criticism often arises when one assumes their perspective is the only valid one, leading to a negative cycle. Defensiveness, delving into excuses and avoiding responsibility, can escalate to stonewalling where one disconnects from the conversation out of feeling overwhelmed.

> Contempt, the most damaging of the horsemen, involves looking down on a partner, using mockery and name-calling. Recognizing the slippery slope of contempt and choosing to focus on the positive aspects of a partner can strengthen a relationship. Wearing rose-colored glasses, appreciating your partner's strengths even amidst their flaws, is vital for nurturing a healthy relationship built on acceptance of differences and shared growth.

Drama in relationships

> There’s so much depth in relationships that often goes unexplored because we forget to stay curious. It’s essential to treat conversations with our partners like a fun quiz, allowing ourselves to discover layers we didn’t even know existed, such as “What is my partner’s unrealized life dream?” This curiosity can rekindle that tight feeling we crave.

> The differences in how couples navigate conflict are fascinating. I’ve seen how gay couples can exhibit such gentleness and openness in discussions, while straight couples often need more structure and coaching to prevent missteps. It’s a reminder that relationships thrive not on drama but on understanding and connection.

Success in relationships

> The essence of a successful relationship is an "us against the world" mentality, where partners demonstrate loyalty, care, and consideration through small, everyday gestures. It's crucial to handle each other delicately and appreciate the other as a mysterious, wonderful creature, fostering a self-fulfilling prophecy of admiration and respect.

> The Gottman Method provides valuable tools for conflict resolution by processing emotions and understanding each other's perspectives. By revisiting past feelings and validating emotions, partners can gain deeper insights, fostering empathy and transforming their interactions, making future disagreements less adversarial and more understanding.

Dating

> Firstly, finding a partner for life is not about love endorphins alone. It's about specific traits like conscientiousness, which goes beyond kindness to include intelligence and attentiveness. Being with a conscientious partner leads to lasting admiration and gratitude.

> Secondly, seeking a partner low in neuroticism is vital for emotional stability. Having a partner who is emotionally stable and happy contributes to long-term relationship happiness and prevents unnecessary distress within the partnership.

> Lastly, moderate adventurousness is key for satisfaction in a relationship. While high adventurousness can lead to seeking novelty outside the relationship, having a partner with low to moderate adventurousness provides stability and a sense of home, paving the way for a fulfilling long-term commitment.

Sex

> Sex plays a vital role in relationships, but its importance varies from couple to couple. “Everybody has different levels of sex that are satisfying to them,” and it’s all about whether both partners feel satisfied—once a month for some, five times a week for others—what matters is that it works for them.

> The physical connection we share in intimate moments is incredibly powerful. Even a “20-second hug” brings a rush of oxytocin and lowers stress levels, creating a feeling of closeness, just like sex does. It’s amazing to think how “orgasms are amazing” not only for bonding but also for our health and well-being.

Cheating

> Infidelity and honesty are complex subjects; honesty isn't always beneficial. "If you have fucked up... you don't get to shed your guilt onto them. You need to carry that burden." Sometimes, protecting your partner’s emotional well-being is more important than confessing a mistake.

> The emotional fallout of infidelity can be profound, potentially causing a PTSD-like experience for the betrayed partner. This can lead to intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and shattered self-esteem. The idea of radical honesty must be weighed against causing such harm.

> The balance between kindness and truth varies among individuals and relationships. "To me, the hierarchy is kindness and do no... like do no further harm." However, others, including my husband, believe in complete transparency, highlighting that values and perspectives differ significantly.

Polyamory

> I believe in the beauty of monogamous relationships but respect what works for others. Open relationships can be challenging due to societal norms and lack of experience. Couples new to open relationships may face inner conflict and jealousy, needing time to navigate effectively. Experienced partners tend to navigate open relationships more successfully, having worked out the initial challenges and communication barriers.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial

> The experience of testifying in such a high-stakes case was a mix of terror and determination. "Honestly, I just skipped anxiety that morning and went straight to terror," which served as an unexpected motivator to maintain focus and deliver my testimony effectively.

> The job of a forensic psychologist involves a delicate balance of scientific precision and emotional awareness. Each word in my testimony carries weight, and "the pressure is so high… preparing, and literally the moment until I start having to answer," but this also becomes a distraction from my fear, allowing me to concentrate on the task at hand.

> The MMPI-2 is a powerful tool that uncovers the complex tapestry of human behavior. "It’s so complex. It’s a thing of beauty," and its empirical keying method allows for an insightful examination of personality traits, making it a staple in the field of psychology.

> When discussing diagnoses like borderline and histrionic personality disorders, the conversation shifts from labels to understanding the individual's nuanced experiences. "There are nine different symptoms and you only need five to meet criteria," which highlights the diversity within these disorders and the need for a more spectrum-based approach.

> The interplay of nature and nurture in personality disorders is intricate and multifaceted. "I think we need to think of it as bio-psychosocial," recognizing that both genetics and life experiences shape one's mental health, with possibilities for growth and improvement through understanding and intervention.

Forensic psychology

> The trial was a monumental challenge that took an immense toll but also significantly sharpened my forensic psychology skills. "My brain was on fire for a full year leading up to the trial," which was intellectually invigorating but extremely demanding.

> Balancing the high-stakes trial with my therapeutic practice exposed the necessity of self-care. For the first time, I acknowledged that constantly pushing myself was leading to serious consequences, including a medical diagnosis and my dad's cognitive decline. It hit home that "I need to slow down a little bit."

> Navigating the public spotlight was an unexpected and overwhelming experience. After testifying, I felt like I was burning alive and just wanted it to stop. When I learned I had made headlines, "I thought he was messing with me," showcasing how unprepared I was for the intense public scrutiny.

PTSD

> - Combat exposure leads to dehumanization and can result in PTSD. It's not just about trauma, as Shannon notes, "It depends on whether they did something that they have a hard time reconciling outside of war." The impact of combat experiences varies, and not everyone develops PTSD despite the significant impairments it brings.

> - Military invests in innovative therapies like animal-assisted therapy for healing. Reflecting on her training at Tripler Army Medical Center, Shannon points out the comprehensive approach, "Anything that has evidence to support its efficacy was being utilized." However, the challenge lies in the scalability of such programs and ensuring veterans don't slip through the cracks.

> - War fosters a unique bond among soldiers due to shared vulnerability and understanding. Shannon describes how combat strips away ego, fostering deep connections among soldiers who have experienced unthinkable situations. This bond is rooted in the shared understanding of trauma and experiences that outsiders might struggle to comprehend.

Advice for young people

> Success isn’t just about the end goal; it’s about following your passion. My dad's advice to "just pick anything" resonated deeply with me when I was lost and scared. When I chose to study psychology, I didn’t know where it would lead, but it ultimately shaped my life and career in ways I never imagined.

> For anyone pursuing forensic psychology, be prepared for the grind. It’s not all action and excitement like you see on TV; it involves long hours alone with dense academic work. But despite the challenges, it’s a fulfilling journey that brings me immense joy.

Love

> Love is the central essence of our human experience; it connects us deeply and provides a sense of ease and reassurance that in the end, everything is going to be okay.

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> Negative misinformation and harm disrupt this fundamental connection of love, holding us back from understanding and living that profound truth that binds us all together. I truly hope we can remember that love to find our way through.